How to ask for help
When a move, a deadline or a rough patch is too much, ask one specific person for one specific thing, with a time attached. Try: can you help me carry furniture Saturday from nine to noon, or can we grab a coffee this week, I have had a rough month. Make no an easy answer, accept help without apologizing, and return the favor later.
About 10 minutes to learnEveryday skill
Mark it once you can do it without this page open.
How to do it
- Name what you actually need: hands, advice, money, a ride, or someone to talk to.
- Pick one person likely to say yes, rather than a vague message to a group.
- Ask plainly and specifically, with a time, such as help moving the couch on Saturday morning.
- Say why briefly if it helps, without a long apology.
- Make no an easy answer, so the yes means something.
- Say thank you, accept the help as given, and let them know how it went.
- Offer help back when they need it, which keeps the friendship even.
- For health or mental health struggles, ask a doctor, or call or text 988 any time.
Common mistakes
- Hinting instead of asking, then feeling let down when nobody offers.
- Waiting until it is a crisis.
- Apologizing so much the other person has to comfort you.
- Refusing offers of help to look self-sufficient.
Quick self-check
Three questions. Your last score is kept in this browser.
Teach this to someone
A one-page sheet for showing a friend, a roommate or a kid: what to say, what to show, and one question to check it landed.
Teach: How to ask for help
What to say
When a move, a deadline or a rough patch is too much, ask one specific person for one specific thing, with a time attached. Try: can you help me carry furniture Saturday from nine to noon, or can we grab a coffee this week, I have had a rough month. Make no an easy answer, accept help without apologizing, and return the favor later.
What to show, in order
- Name what you actually need: hands, advice, money, a ride, or someone to talk to.
- Pick one person likely to say yes, rather than a vague message to a group.
- Ask plainly and specifically, with a time, such as help moving the couch on Saturday morning.
- Say why briefly if it helps, without a long apology.
- Make no an easy answer, so the yes means something.
- Say thank you, accept the help as given, and let them know how it went.
- Offer help back when they need it, which keeps the friendship even.
- For health or mental health struggles, ask a doctor, or call or text 988 any time.
The check question
Ask: Which ask is most likely to get a yes?
Related skills
- How to keep friends as an adult
- How to check on a friend who seems off
- How to prepare for a doctor's appointment
- Every skill in Friends and Headspace
Last reviewed . First published .