What to do and say at a funeral
At a funeral, dress in dark, conservative clothes, arrive ten minutes early with your phone switched off, and sign the guest book on the way in. When you see the family, a short line is enough: I am so sorry, I really liked your grandfather. Follow their lead on religious customs, sit behind the family, and do not worry about saying the perfect thing; being there is what counts.
About 10 minutes to learnEveryday skill
Mark it once you can do it without this page open.
How to do it
- Check the notice for the visitation, service and burial times, and any request for donations instead of flowers.
- Dress in dark, simple clothes: a dark suit or trousers with a collared shirt and dark shoes.
- Arrive ten to fifteen minutes early and turn your phone fully off.
- Sign the guest book with your full name and how you knew the person.
- Greet the family briefly: I am so sorry, and one line about the person if you knew them.
- Sit behind the family's reserved rows, and follow the room for standing, sitting and prayers.
- Join the burial or reception if invited, and keep conversations quiet and short.
- Follow up with a card or a message in the weeks after, when support usually drops off.
Common mistakes
- Staying away because you do not know what to say.
- Telling the family you know exactly how they feel.
- Checking your phone during the service.
- Monopolizing the family's time in the receiving line.
Quick self-check
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Teach this to someone
A one-page sheet for showing a friend, a roommate or a kid: what to say, what to show, and one question to check it landed.
Teach: What to do and say at a funeral
What to say
At a funeral, dress in dark, conservative clothes, arrive ten minutes early with your phone switched off, and sign the guest book on the way in. When you see the family, a short line is enough: I am so sorry, I really liked your grandfather. Follow their lead on religious customs, sit behind the family, and do not worry about saying the perfect thing; being there is what counts.
What to show, in order
- Check the notice for the visitation, service and burial times, and any request for donations instead of flowers.
- Dress in dark, simple clothes: a dark suit or trousers with a collared shirt and dark shoes.
- Arrive ten to fifteen minutes early and turn your phone fully off.
- Sign the guest book with your full name and how you knew the person.
- Greet the family briefly: I am so sorry, and one line about the person if you knew them.
- Sit behind the family's reserved rows, and follow the room for standing, sitting and prayers.
- Join the burial or reception if invited, and keep conversations quiet and short.
- Follow up with a card or a message in the weeks after, when support usually drops off.
The check question
Ask: What should you say to the family?
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- How to support a friend who is grieving
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- Every skill in People and Etiquette
Last reviewed . First published .