How to support a friend who is grieving
To support a grieving friend, show up and keep showing up, long after the funeral, with practical help and time to listen. Say you are sorry and use the name of the person who died, offer specific help such as meals or errands, and listen more than you talk. Skip I know how you feel and everything happens for a reason. Mark the hard dates in your calendar and check in months later, when others have gone quiet.
About 10 minutes to learnEveryday skill
Mark it once you can do it without this page open.
How to do it
- Reach out soon with a short message or call: I am so sorry about your mom.
- Go to the service if you can; being there counts.
- Offer specific help: I am dropping off dinner Thursday, or I will mow your lawn this weekend.
- Say the name of the person who died, and share a memory if you have one.
- Listen, and let silences be; you do not need to fill them or fix anything.
- Keep inviting them to things, and accept it if they say no for now.
- Put the birthday and the anniversary of the death in your calendar and check in on those days.
- Check in again a few months later, when most support fades.
Common mistakes
- Avoiding them because you do not know what to say.
- Saying let me know if you need anything, and leaving it there.
- Comparing their loss to yours.
- Expecting them to be back to normal after a few weeks.
Quick self-check
Three questions. Your last score is kept in this browser.
Teach this to someone
A one-page sheet for showing a friend, a roommate or a kid: what to say, what to show, and one question to check it landed.
Teach: How to support a friend who is grieving
What to say
To support a grieving friend, show up and keep showing up, long after the funeral, with practical help and time to listen. Say you are sorry and use the name of the person who died, offer specific help such as meals or errands, and listen more than you talk. Skip I know how you feel and everything happens for a reason. Mark the hard dates in your calendar and check in months later, when others have gone quiet.
What to show, in order
- Reach out soon with a short message or call: I am so sorry about your mom.
- Go to the service if you can; being there counts.
- Offer specific help: I am dropping off dinner Thursday, or I will mow your lawn this weekend.
- Say the name of the person who died, and share a memory if you have one.
- Listen, and let silences be; you do not need to fill them or fix anything.
- Keep inviting them to things, and accept it if they say no for now.
- Put the birthday and the anniversary of the death in your calendar and check in on those days.
- Check in again a few months later, when most support fades.
The check question
Ask: Which offer helps most?
Related skills
- What to write in a sympathy card
- What to do and say at a funeral
- How to be a better listener
- Every skill in Friends and Headspace
Last reviewed . First published .