How to be a better listener
To be a better listener, put your phone away, let the person finish without planning your reply, and reflect back what you heard: so the new boss keeps moving your deadlines. Ask open questions, and ask whether they want ideas or just want to vent before offering fixes. Resist turning it into your own story, and sum up at the end so they know you got it.
About 10 minutes to learnEveryday skill
Mark it once you can do it without this page open.
How to do it
- Put your phone face down or away, and turn toward the person.
- Let them finish their sentence and their thought before you speak.
- Show you are following with short prompts such as go on, or and then what.
- Reflect back what you heard in your own words and check you got it right.
- Ask open questions that start with what or how.
- Ask whether they want suggestions or just need to talk, and respect the answer.
- Hold back on your own similar story until they have finished.
- Sum up at the end and ask if there is anything you can do.
Common mistakes
- Jumping in with advice before they have finished.
- Checking your phone mid-conversation.
- Topping their story with your own.
- Saying at least it is not worse.
Quick self-check
Three questions. Your last score is kept in this browser.
Teach this to someone
A one-page sheet for showing a friend, a roommate or a kid: what to say, what to show, and one question to check it landed.
Teach: How to be a better listener
What to say
To be a better listener, put your phone away, let the person finish without planning your reply, and reflect back what you heard: so the new boss keeps moving your deadlines. Ask open questions, and ask whether they want ideas or just want to vent before offering fixes. Resist turning it into your own story, and sum up at the end so they know you got it.
What to show, in order
- Put your phone face down or away, and turn toward the person.
- Let them finish their sentence and their thought before you speak.
- Show you are following with short prompts such as go on, or and then what.
- Reflect back what you heard in your own words and check you got it right.
- Ask open questions that start with what or how.
- Ask whether they want suggestions or just need to talk, and respect the answer.
- Hold back on your own similar story until they have finished.
- Sum up at the end and ask if there is anything you can do.
The check question
Ask: What should you ask before offering solutions?
Related skills
- How to check on a friend who seems off
- How to make small talk
- How to give and receive feedback
- Every skill in Friends and Headspace
Last reviewed . First published .